The court will now hear arguments in the case of The People vs. Beanies in the Summer.

All rise, and God help us all...

Prosecution:
As we will show, Beanies in the Summer are not only lazy, but wildly impractical and, as should be evident already, unstylish. It’s time to rid our boys of the notion that this piece of knitwear is at all appropriate in temperatures anywhere above 60 degrees.

Defense:

JUDGE: Has the defense waived its right to counsel?

[Disheveled man rushes in, papers falling out of his briefcase as it falls open.]

PUBLIC DEFENDER: I’m here, I’m here. Sorry. [Breathes heavily while resting hands on knees.] Your honor, I have exactly two simple arguments in favor of the defendant [looks down and squints at note card], Misterrrr... Beanies in the Summer. Firstly, many of our most beloved celebrities have been caught, err—that is to say, have chosen to make my defendant a crucial part of their casual wardrobe. Secondly, they can’t all be good hair days, amirite?

Evidence—defense:

[Rifles through briefcase.] Um, your honor, I seem to have misplaced my files for this case. My apologies.

[Guy in beanie buries head in hands.]

JUDGE: Unbelievable.

Evidence—prosecution:
If the defense has no evidence to present, we’ll address the opening statements. Because it’s an important point that some of our otherwise well-dressed icons frequently look to the beanie in warm weather. But rarely do we ask the key question: are they doing it because they think it looks good, or out of expedience?

Take the case of David Beckham, who the prosecution will go on record as saying is one of this generation’s more overrated style icons. He favors the warm-weather beanie. And we’ll concede that Mr. Beckham is hounded at all times by paparazzi. Not an ideal situation for anyone. And no one can be red-carpet-worthy all day, every day. And of course he looks good. This isn’t the point. He’s simply a handsome man. The thing to consider is whether he looks worse or better than usual here. This is the crux of this case. Consider exhibits A through D:

EXHIBIT A:

EXHIBIT B:



And my goodness, if this isn’t a case for Child Protective Services, I don’t know what is. And indoors,
no less. Tragic.

EXHIBIT C:



Hey girl, don’t you wish I wasn’t wearing this beanie?

EXHIBIT D:



And Harry, it’s an insult to men everywhere to squander the gift of hair you’ve been given in this
way.

The prosecution rests.

Closing argument—prosecution:
The needless sweat. The slovenliness. The not-so-faint air of the white Rasta guy in college. It doesn’t have to be this way. Wet your hair. Run a comb through it. Put some wax in. Do anything. Do whatever it takes to avoid Beanies in the Summer.

Closing argument—defense:
Your honor, we ask that you just cut us a break. Cut guys who just want to run out to the store for some milk a break. Please. I appeal to your sense of mercy.

The verdict:

JUDGE: Ordinarily I’d be inclined to declare a mistrial, given the woeful incompetence of the defendant’s representation. But in this case, I don’t think the ghost of Johnnie Cochran could have won an acquittal. Guilty. The sentence is death. Bailiff, get this prisoner out of my sight. And let it be decreed that no man shall ever wear a beanie in the summer again.

This article was originally published on June 16, 2016.