It's hard to keep a secret in this town. Especially when it involves an 18-foot black onyx-lacquered Buddha.

Still, the newly opened Buddha-Bar DC—a branch of the Moulin Rouge-by-way-of-Tibet original in Paris—has some secrets, the kind that can only be safely disclosed in hard data form...

Murals of girls with dragon tattoos on their backs: 1
Kimono-wearing cocktail waitresses who have dragon tattoos on their backs: We'll never tell
Distance, in miles, that Buddha traveled from Indonesia to Penn Quarter: 10,613
French DJs imported from Buddha-Bar Paris: 1
Number of speakers blasting his beats: 50
Moment at which the music went from pleasantly charming to pleasantly thumping: 9:14pm
Number of times the waiter offered us a flashlight to better see the menu: 2
Cocktails with wasabi or chili peppers: 3
Heat factor of said cocktails: Very High
Hour at which bottle service becomes available in the lounge: 10pm
Percentage of diners wearing suits: 5
Number of suit-wearing congressmen you could host in the lounge: 45
Number of bottles that would take: 10, or about one per table
Percentage of those bottles that would be legal under the congressional gift ban: 0
Percentage of likelihood your secret would be safe with us: 100