You get all dressed up, find the biggest pillow case in the house and off you go.
Trick-or-treating.
Filled with hopes of abundant porch lights and full-size candy bars and thwarting any foolish signage suggesting that you “please take one.”
But it’s not all Snickers and Reese’s. So below, we bring you horror stories of Halloweens past, when our bags were sullied with atrocities masquerading as legitimate candy. These are those atrocities...
Boston Baked Beans. “What sick son of a bitch thought it was a good idea to convert the concept of a baked bean into candy? It’s unnatural and gross.” —Geoff Rynex
Mary Janes. “They’re like Bit-O-Honey’s sad, slow-witted cousin. Guaranteed to be the only thing left in the bowl after a few weeks. Along with a few rolls of Smarties.” —Chris LaMorte
Whoppers. “Everything’s going really great with the chocolate layer, and then, ugh, oh God, help, somebody help...” —Hadley Tomicki
A roll of pennies. “They’re not even f**king edible.” —Sam Eichner
Those ones with the strawberry-looking wrapper. “The ones that taste like a retirement home. They were always the last things hanging out at the bottom of my plastic pumpkin after the good stuff was long gone. Did I throw them away or give them to my brother or some neighbor kid like I should have? Of course not. I suffered through them because they were candy. Kids are stupid.” —Kelly Larson
Raisins. “One lady in my neighborhood always insisted on giving out little red boxes of dried fruit. Trying to pass off raisins as candy is unconscionable. Untruthful. Un-American. Raisins are not candy. They’re raisins.” —Kevin Gray
Necco Wafers. “The dry, powdery, flavorless cousin to the almost equally terrible Smarties.” —Adam Weinberg
Gum. “Gum is not for Halloween. Gum is a life necessity that I’m supposed to buy at Duane Reade in the variety that I prefer. Orbit. Trident. Never, in any universe, Dubble Bubble—the only gum that somehow ends up individually wrapped and carelessly dropped in Halloween buckets everywhere. How am I supposed to tear through my pillowcase stuffed with candy when I have to pause for five minutes (exactly how long a garbage piece of gum lasts) to chew through some Dubble Bubble? Exactly. I can’t. And therefore it doesn't belong in my pillowcase.” —Ilana Dadras
Candy corn. “How has nobody mentioned candy corn? It’s always around during Halloween, but no matter how many times I try it, it still just tastes like stale sugar.” —Leah Butterfield
Three Musketeers. “Has anyone in the history of candy ever bit into one of these and not thought, ‘Boy, I could surely use something more than nougat.’ Nougat is a fine supporting character in a candy, but it can’t carry an entire bar. At least toss me some peanuts if you’re not going to go full Snickers.” —Geoff Rynex
Smarties. “Like chewing on chalk that’s been infused with 800 grams of sugar. F**k Smarties.” —Eric Twardzik
Three Musketeers? Smarties? “I can’t stand idly by and listen to these institutions be denigrated.” —Nathan Wahl
Trick-or-treating.
Filled with hopes of abundant porch lights and full-size candy bars and thwarting any foolish signage suggesting that you “please take one.”
But it’s not all Snickers and Reese’s. So below, we bring you horror stories of Halloweens past, when our bags were sullied with atrocities masquerading as legitimate candy. These are those atrocities...
Boston Baked Beans. “What sick son of a bitch thought it was a good idea to convert the concept of a baked bean into candy? It’s unnatural and gross.” —Geoff Rynex
Mary Janes. “They’re like Bit-O-Honey’s sad, slow-witted cousin. Guaranteed to be the only thing left in the bowl after a few weeks. Along with a few rolls of Smarties.” —Chris LaMorte
Whoppers. “Everything’s going really great with the chocolate layer, and then, ugh, oh God, help, somebody help...” —Hadley Tomicki
A roll of pennies. “They’re not even f**king edible.” —Sam Eichner
Those ones with the strawberry-looking wrapper. “The ones that taste like a retirement home. They were always the last things hanging out at the bottom of my plastic pumpkin after the good stuff was long gone. Did I throw them away or give them to my brother or some neighbor kid like I should have? Of course not. I suffered through them because they were candy. Kids are stupid.” —Kelly Larson
Raisins. “One lady in my neighborhood always insisted on giving out little red boxes of dried fruit. Trying to pass off raisins as candy is unconscionable. Untruthful. Un-American. Raisins are not candy. They’re raisins.” —Kevin Gray
Necco Wafers. “The dry, powdery, flavorless cousin to the almost equally terrible Smarties.” —Adam Weinberg
Gum. “Gum is not for Halloween. Gum is a life necessity that I’m supposed to buy at Duane Reade in the variety that I prefer. Orbit. Trident. Never, in any universe, Dubble Bubble—the only gum that somehow ends up individually wrapped and carelessly dropped in Halloween buckets everywhere. How am I supposed to tear through my pillowcase stuffed with candy when I have to pause for five minutes (exactly how long a garbage piece of gum lasts) to chew through some Dubble Bubble? Exactly. I can’t. And therefore it doesn't belong in my pillowcase.” —Ilana Dadras
Candy corn. “How has nobody mentioned candy corn? It’s always around during Halloween, but no matter how many times I try it, it still just tastes like stale sugar.” —Leah Butterfield
Three Musketeers. “Has anyone in the history of candy ever bit into one of these and not thought, ‘Boy, I could surely use something more than nougat.’ Nougat is a fine supporting character in a candy, but it can’t carry an entire bar. At least toss me some peanuts if you’re not going to go full Snickers.” —Geoff Rynex
Smarties. “Like chewing on chalk that’s been infused with 800 grams of sugar. F**k Smarties.” —Eric Twardzik
Three Musketeers? Smarties? “I can’t stand idly by and listen to these institutions be denigrated.” —Nathan Wahl
