With February fast approaching, we trust you’ve got everything good and handled for Valentine’s Day.

But just in case you or someone you know might benefit from a guide full of breakfast-in-bed essentials, gifts both risqué and respectable, and, sure, some massages, we’ve placed all of those things right here, in our annual Valentine’s Day Guide.

Once the satin blindfolds are in the mail, take a moment to appreciate and learn a thing or two from the grand romantic gestures throughout cinematic history. Maybe read a letter from St. Valentine himself (it’s not actually from St. Valentine himself). Sit back and relax as we put the pomp and circumstance of the holiday on trial.

Hey, someone had to do it.