For too long you’ve been resolving to do things you don’t actually want to do. Save money. Stop eating the tastiest things. And frankly, that’s just f**king balderdash. You need to resolve to do things you desire. You need anti-resolutions. These are those, and they assure success.
Nobody’s saying you should never go out dancing and 4am-pancake-eating again. On a weeknight. No one’s saying that. All we’re saying is, hey, they’ve got morning parties now, with serious DJs and smoothies and yoga and coffee. Not so bad seeing the sunrise from the other side.
Brooklyn’s favorite alcohol-based-baked-goods purveyor has crafted a churro. It’s got cinnamon-and-bourbon-sugar dusting. Spiked honey dipping sauce. Brooklyn Winter Ale–infused dough. And all you’ve really consumed here are some bite-size confections. Life’s about loopholes.
The folks at Peloton are now setting you up with a wi-fi-equipped bike for your place. It’s got a touchscreen that keeps track of all your performance and streams every class they do live right to the screen. So, you know, just keep on not going to the gym. You’ll be fine.
If Slash has taught us anything, it’s that tipping a few back before you try to melt faces with your guitar skills could help. So these classes start with some vigorous scale-playing, chords and a couple refreshments, and eventually end with a recital. Beer: the Popeye’s spinach of guitar recitals.
There are moral reasons to try to go vegetarian. There are also some compelling health reasons. Alas, there are no reasons that can withstand the existence of an entire tall stack of pork chops drenched in anchovy butter. There’s a short stack, too, but... no.
