It was a flight from Australia.

Your plane went down.

And you, a brunette ex-con and a heavy fellow named Hugo ended up stranded on an island.

You made fire. Defended yourself against the natives. Grew some impressive stubble...

... Wait, that wasn’t you. That was Lost. Still, it could happen. So, naturally, you’ll want some survival tips from a Green Beret.

Enter The Human Path, a weekend crash course in San Antonio that’ll help you survive if you’re ever stranded on an island (or in Plano), taking reservations now.

This is the training program Bear Grylls and Liam Neeson’s character in Taken would have put together if they weren’t so busy eating bugs or punching guys in the throat.

It’ll begin in a Helotes park, where you’ll meet your survival trainer, Sam, a former Green Beret medic and interrogator. (So, yes, he’s a people person.)

On day one, you’ll be taught the basics. Fire-starting, shelter-building, which plants aren’t poisonous. Come day two, you’ll be schooled in the art of hand-to-hand combat. Including but not limited to: sleeper holds.

Then, you’re ready for the Survival Race. A two-hour trial by fire in which you’ll track wild animals, build primitive weapons and face down a simulated interrogation from Sam. Relax, we’re sure those jumper cables are fake.

Well, pretty sure.