The stage: somewhere deep in the Appalachian wilderness.

The scene: you’re hiking back from the seventh annual underground treehouse party hosted by Ryan Seacrest.

The problem: you forgot to remember where you are...

Enter the NOC Wilderness Survival School, a three-part, no-holds-barred journey into the remote proving grounds of the Nantahala River Gorge, taking reservations now for next month’s sojourn.

So yeah, you never know. And should you somehow find yourself stranded in the woods with nothing but a bottle of champagne and a pair of cufflinks, you’ll know what to do with them.

There are three parts to the series, all of which are instructed by a ragtag assemblage of ex-military, wilderness medicine experts and (we assume) guys who learned how to punch a black bear into submission at the age of seven. First up: Introduction to Survival, where you’ll learn anything from the basics (shelter, knife skills, water purification...) to “getting out alive” by properly identifying edible plants and building signal fires.

The second-level class is basically a more advanced version of the first. But consider it a vital stepping-stone for your third and final test... Extreme Survival. Which is where you’ll undergo three full days (and nights) of camping, foraging for sustenance and navigating a predetermined course designed to simulate an outdoor excursion gone horribly wrong.

So, like that time you tried a reverse Triple Lindy, only way worse.