The bad news: this weekend's Midsummer Night's Dream ball is showing off some of the most astonishing displays of debauchery the Playboy Mansion has ever witnessed. And, unless you make it into Zach Braff's entourage, you're missing out.

The good news: all good parties find their way to Vegas. And sometimes they pick up steam along the way.
 
Prepare yourself for Pirate's Guilty Pleasure, the Vegas chapter of the most over-the-top, Hefnerific blowout of the year.
 
It's all the debauchery you can handle spread across three days and five venues, with a full-scale cannon-equipped pirate ship and dozens of Hef's former girlfriends flown in direct from the City of Angels. The party starts today at the Playboy Mansion, and comes to town a week late for the Ditch Friday pool bash, but the real revelry starts next Saturday night at the Palms pool, which will be decked out with the aforementioned pirate ship, alongside a few miniature castle setups for plundering, a handful of desert islands set up in the pool and a mansion's worth of bunnies. Requested attire is "sexy pirate," which translates roughly to "eye-patch casual."

If, somehow, you're still going when Sunday morning rolls around, you can stagger over to the daytime recovery pool party with the rest of the survivors and the closing party at Moon that night—but there's no shame in ducking out early.

You can't stay a pirate forever.