Fridays are a strategically inconspicuous time to dump news. Especially the Friday before Memorial Day weekend, when people are mentally already in their cars headed to the shore. But if the news is big enough, no date or time it is released will hinder me from not only receiving it, but being completely flabbergasted by it. Such was the case this morning, when rap superstar Nicki Minaj confirmed that she is in a romantic courtship with the man responsible for every boy in my middle school having buzz cuts, Eminem.

How did this news break? Was it a giant declaration of love between the two rappers? Did they profess their feelings for one another through verse? Did TMZ score all the juicy deets about the rap dynasty duo? No. None of those dignified things occurred. Instead, one of Minaj’s Instagram followers simply asked, “Are you dating Eminem?” and she replied “Yes.” That’s it. Scooped ya, TMZ.

Have we been able to just ask celebs these simple questions on Insta our whole adults lives and not taken advantage of it? Am I allowed to hop on Chadwick Boseman’s page and request a one-on-one hang? What has been stopping me from asking Cardi B to get a buttery chardonnay after work? (Well, for one, she is pregnant, but you know what I’m saying.)

But back to the tragedy at hand. Nicki and Eminem are in love? Where do the two of them go on dates? Maggiano’s? What do they talk about? Why am I so upset about this? 

I’ll tell you why. Nicki Minaj is a fun and free bitch who makes bangers about starships that make me want to dance all night and Eminem raps (or has rapped) about beating the mother of his children. He also looks like he goes to the same barbershop as a Lego man.

Nicki, you can do this better than this. Maybe you didn’t think Meek Mill was going to get out of prison so you were exploring your options, but honey, didn’t you hear the news? He is free! 

Try your best to go enjoy your Memorial Day Weekend knowing this news. Sit by the water, drink enough beers to forget about this romance, have an extra burger at the cookout. Do whatever you need to do to process it. I know I will.