If you loved Absinthe, you're going to want to try Opium.

That sounded a little wrong.

Then again, so does everything else you're about to read, so carry on.

And we're only talking about Opium, the insanely-anticipated new adults-only variety show from Spiegelworld, aka the producers of Absinthe, now open in the Cosmopolitan.

The whole thing takes place aboard an eighties-era, B-movie rocket ship and is full of daring acts, raunchy comedy and characters ripped straight out of old New York City public access television. You'll be there with a cocktail and your companion, praying you haven't picked the proverbial hot seat.

We wouldn't want to give everything away, of course. At the same time, it'd be irresponsible not to prepare you for such sights as... 

—Rob the Rumba 5000, a generously-endowed robot with a baby in his metal belly.

—An oversharing sword swallower with attitude.

—Lieutenant Lieutenant, a juggler dressed as an S&M bottom who loves singing Queen.

—A husky janitor that is probably the best hula hooper you've ever seen. Depending on your previous exposure to hula hooping.

—Randy Captain Antenile, who may get way, way, way, seriously way too close to you or another audience member.

—And two human-baby birds doing disgusting things with bananas.

It's a good time for all.

Except the bananas.