Watching The Bachelor in 2018 means also being able to kind-of-creepily watch the remaining contestants’ Instagrams, in real time, to look for clues about their success or failure on the show. And while the women can’t reveal any actual spoilers, lest they face the wrath of high-powered Bachelor lawyers, the ladies’ social media presences do offer a glimpse into who might be most compatible with our humble protagonist, Arie Luyendyk Jr. (If anyone had any doubts about 22-year-old, formerly-missing-person Bekah M.’s chances of marrying the 36-year-old Bachelor before she was sent home, a quick scroll through her Instagram page would’ve readily confirmed them: no LA hipster wearing Hooters t-shirts semi-ironically, or posing with Coors Light, or who once had blue hair, is settling down with a real estate agent 14 years her senior in fucking Scottsdale, Arizona.)
With only three women left—the ever-Midwestern Becca K., the ever-"quirky" Kendall and the ever-boring Lauren B.—I’ve taken it upon myself to create a compatibility ranking of Arie’s suitors, based more or less entirely on their Instagram personas.
But before we do that, let’s take a spin through our Bachelor’s Instagram, to get a clearer picture of whose heart these girls are fighting for...
Arie Luyendyk Jr.
Age: 36
Occupation: Former race car driver, current real estate whatever
Reputation on The Bachelor: Many critics have suggested that Arie is the most boring Bachelor to ever grace our TV screens. What these critics seem to forget is that Chris Soules, a farmer from Iowa, whose personality was no more or less exciting than a monotonous field of corn, was once the protagonist of this very same program—and that being at least somewhat boring, since Sean Lowe’s season at least, is practically a requirement for being the lead. Still, Arie is as plain white toast as Bachelors get. Sure, he earned the nickname “Kissing Bandit” on Emily’s season of The Bachelorette, which is kind of edgy in a Disney movie way. But on his own season he’s come off as terrifically unfunny, uninteresting and uncharismatic. His most common refrain is to sort of droningly moan “I love that” after a girl opens up, or to utter little whimpering/whining “Yeahs” before he kisses someone. He also readily admits he wants a quiet life in Scottsdale with someone who shares his proclivity for wine and early bedtimes.
Instagram Presence: It’s pretty basic stuff—his dogs, his friends, his cars, sunsets with boring captions, spreading his arms out over scenic overlooks—with the little added edge you get from being someone who a) races fast cars; and b) has the privilege of traveling frequently. He comes off as an uncool guy who maybe does cool things?
A Representative Smattering of Posts:
3. Kendall
Age: 26
Occupation: Creative Director
Reputation on The Bachelor: Kendall has been called "quirky" more than a lot of times on the show thus far, although, to be fair, anyone who doesn't fit the Barbie doll mold of mild-mannered skinny white chick with straight hair can be considered "quirky" on The Bachelor. "Quirky" is essentially synonymous with "has legitimate creative interests that do not include amateur love poetry" and "not stupid." It's clear, from Kendall's reverse psychological confrontation with Krazy Krystal and the very real conversation with her twin sister, that she has a higher degree of emotional intelligence and awareness than many others who have previously stood in her place. Her reticence, of course, gives Arie pause—particularly given the other girls' readiness for marriage.
Instagram Presence: Kendall's Instagram is a bit more polished, hip and sophisticated than the others'. She's got a clear point-of-view; she's pre-influencer influencing, if that makes sense. There are the familiar trappings of an LA Instagram model, in the Ingrid Goes West-y mold: the black hat; the flower tiara; the ukulele she probably just learned to play Israel Kamakawiwo'Ole's version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" on. She's cool. But is she too cool?
A Representative Smattering of Posts:
2. Lauren B.
Age: 25
Occupation: Tech Salesperson
Reputation on The Bachelor: Blah. That is pretty much Lauren B.'s reputation: Blah. And yet, despite two of the most un-fun-looking one-on-one dates in two of the most romantic cities in Europe (Paris and Tuscany), wherein Arie and Lauren B. strolled the picturesque streets hand-in-hand, smiling and periodically saying "wow" to each other at nothing in particular, there seems to be an undeniable connection between the two. To the shock of everyone watching at home, Arie admitted he was falling for her. Either Lauren B. is getting a bafflingly misleading edit, she and Arie share some unspoken, once-in-a-lifetime kind of chemistry, or Arie is projecting what he wants to believe about Lauren B. onto the blank slate that is Lauren B.—to the great benefit of Lauren B.
Instagram Presence: It's a lot of blonde-haired girls posing with iridescent white teeth, a few requisite bikini pics, some pictures of the fam, her dog and...nothing else. She looks like she belonged to the hot girl sorority in college. As her performance on The Bachelor suggests, Lauren B. could basically be anyone. She really is the epitome of an attractive girl named Lauren who goes on a reality TV show with three other similarly attractive girls named Lauren. Disappointingly, I feel like I know less about Lauren B. than I did before. What is she hiding?!?
A Representative Smattering of Posts:
1. Becca K.
Age: 27
Occupation: Publicist
Reputation on The Bachelor: Becca K. is the nice girl from Minnesota with no apparent drama with anyone in the house. Of the remaining three, her journey has been the most predictable. She got the first one-on-one, laid low for a while, then reappeared somewhere in the past week or two, to re-establish the connection she and Arie made early on. Becca K. is only one or two years older than her opponents, but she seems older, more ready to settle down.
Instagram Presence: Becca K.'s Instagram is full of pictures you'd see on a dating profile and think to yourself, "Yeah, okay, cool, this girl is totally normal and only slightly out of my league." Dogs, morning coffee and pictures with her friends that are staged but not too staged abound. She seems cool, but ordinary-cool. And one gets the sense that she cares about Instagram exactly as much as your average 27-year-old Minnesotan single woman cares about Instagram.
A Representative Smattering of Posts:
Conclusions
From an Instagram standpoint, it's clear that Becca K. is the most compatible with Arie. Lauren's social persona is so inscrutable, unspecific and basic as to be rendered anonymous; Kendall's is way too LA chic. It's hard to imagine she'd be able to keep up the good Instagram work while she's stranded in the culture-starved patchwork of golf courses and cookie-cutter housing developments that is Scottsdale. Becca's, meanwhile, has a certain Midwestern, down-to-earth quality that seems more conducive to early bedtimes and Scottsdale Netflix-and-chill-ing. She doesn't seem to care about fame or hawking beauty products for cash, like the others might; she seems ambivalent about influencing before she's even had the chance to influence (although, let's be real, none of these people are above influencing). If I were to guess (and I am), I'd say she was ready to settle down with Arie and live a long, somewhat boring life with him, full of dog pics and race cars and generically-captioned sunsets. Either that, or she's selling her soul to FabFitFun as soon as this thing's finished.
