Like the first orange-tinged leaf in September, or the first snowfall in November, the inane bios of 29 beautiful Instagram influencers of tomorrow have dropped on ABC.com, announcing the coming of a new season: Bachelor season.
Yes, the latest edition of ABC’s long-running reality TV show returns on January 1st, with aging race car driver (and one-time Bachelorette runner-up) Arie Luyendyk Jr. at the helm.
Unfortunately, this means the best night of 2018 will inevitably be the first, and the entire year is predestined to go downhill from there. So in the spirit of savoring this dwindling moment-before-the-moment as much as humanly possible, our two resident Bachelor fanatics, Sam Eichner and Najib Benouar, have taken it upon themselves to create a preseason bachelorette ranking, based entirely on their bios.
Our criteria here was simple: find the best line in the bio; find the most suspect line in the bio; read way too much into each girl's smile; and use the degree of head tilt as a measure of sass, or lassitude, or rigidness. Then, from a qualitative assessment of those factors, make a completely arbitrary judgement of their compatibility with Arie. See? Simple.
Coming in at number 1...
1. Bri
Occupation: Sports Reporter, aka Good on TV.
Best Bio Line: What is your greatest achievement to date? “Putting myself together after heartache and winning an Emmy!” Significant achievement by Bri.
Most Suspect Bio Line: Lunch with three people, alive or dead, and what would you order? “Barack Obama, my grandma (miss her so much), Audrey Hepburn. I'd order a round of shots!” Is Bri in danger of being the first-night drunk-chick?
A Smile That Says...: “I can make Obamacare sexy if you would only let me.”
Degree of Head Tilt, on a scale of 1 to 10: 1.
2. Marikh
Occupation: Restaurant Owner.
Best Bio Line: Favorite actor and why is “Meryl Streep. Because Meryl Streep.”
Most Suspect Bio Line: “I enjoy being mysterious. People always make incorrect assumptions about me and I’d rather they not have me confirm those.”
A Smile That Says...: “I’m the one on the rom-com poster that is up to something.”
Degree of Head Tilt, on a scale of 1 to 10: 7. It’s more of an implied tilt she’s serving.
3. Ashley
Occupation: Real Estate Agent.
Best Bio Line: Her favorite all-time movies are “No Country for Old Men, The Family Stone and Superbad.” I respect the inclusion of The Family Stone on this list.
Most Suspect Bio Line: Would you consider yourself a lover of art? “I would! But I'm not an expert.” Why is this a relevant question to ask, or answer to include?
A Smile That Says...: “She’s just not that into you.”
Degree of Head Tilt, on a scale of 1 to 10: 1.
4. Jenna
Occupation: Social Media Manager.
Best Bio Line: If you could be any fruit or vegetable, which one would you be? “I would be a pineapple, standing tall, wearing a crown and sweet on the inside.” Smart answer to a dumb fucking question.
Most Suspect Bio Line: Occupation: Social Media Manager. She could be in it for—gasp!—the wrong reasons!
A Smile That Says...: “I’m genuinely good at disingenuously liking you.”
Degree of Head Tilt, on a scale of 1 to 10: 2. It's as if the mega-wattage of her smile is forcing her head to tilt.
5. Seinne
Occupation: Commercial Real Estate Manager.
Best Bio Line: Favorite holiday is “New Years Eve—new beginnings and lots of champagne.”
Most Suspect Bio Line: Favorite show is “Game of Thrones, even though I’m often confused.”
A Smile That Says...: “It’s pronounced Sienne.”
Degree of Head Tilt, on a scale of 1 to 10: 0.03.
T-6.Lauren B.
Occupation: Tech Salesperson.
Best Bio Line: “I wish I could drive as fast as I want.”
Most Suspect Bio Line: “I’ve always wanted to be a Disney princess.”
A Smile That Says...: “I’m Lauren B. Yeah, the first of the four Laurens your about to meet. So remember: B.”
Degree of Head Tilt, on a scale of 1 to 10: 1.
T-6. Lauren J.
Occupation: Recent Masters Graduate.
Best Bio Line: Her guilty pleasure is “Eating full meals in bed. Like putting a legit body towel over me and ordering a pizza—no plates needed.”
Most Suspect Bio Line: Same as above.
A Smile That Says...: “I just ate an entire pizza in bed with a towel draped over me. Also, I’m Lauren J, the least memorable of the letters behind Lauren.”
Degree of Head Tilt, on a scale of 1 to 10: 1.5.
T-6. Lauren G.
Occupation: Executive Recruiter.
Best Bio Line: The hair color she secretly longs to have is “Purple!!”
Most Suspect Bio Line: “I thoroughly dislike going grocery shopping” because there are so many options. So, wait, she does not understand grocery stores?
A Smile That Says...: “I’m Lauren. F-cking. G.”
Degree of Head Tilt, on a scale of 1 to 10: 11. Off the goddamn head-tilt-o-meter. She isn’t even facing the camera. She’s squared her shoulders perpendicular to the frame and then throws it back like a boss.
T-6. Lauren S.
Occupation: Social Media Manager.
Best Bio Line: If she could be someone else for a day she’d be “Literally anyone in Taylor Swift’s girl squad.” At first this sounds like a weak answer, because wouldn’t you just wan to be T-Swift herself? On second thought, no you wouldn’t. Which is why this is low-key a very good answer.
Most Suspect Bio Line: “I’m a nerd.”
A Smile That Says...: “I’m Lauren S. and I hate the order of the alphabet right now.”
Degree of Head Tilt, on a scale of 1 to 10: Actually a 5. It looks like she’s keeping it straight up and down, but there’s a good bit of a forward tilt. Don’t underestimate the forward tilt.
Note: Yes, you just witnessed a four-way Lauren tie for 6th. Arie's got a strong batch of Laurens on his hand. Let the war of the Laurens begin!
10. Kendall
Occupation: Creative Director.
Best Bio Line: “I once drove a car off a ramp and through the caboose of a moving train. No lie.”
Most Suspect Bio Line: Her ideal mate is tall, easy smile and can survive a zombie apocalypse-type body. So she’s open to dating zombies?
A Smile That Says...: “I’m the quirky one. And I might show up to the first rose ceremony carrying some taxidermy.”
Degree of Head Tilt, on a scale of 1 to 10: 2.
11. Bekah M.
Occupation: Nanny.
Best Bio Line: What is your highest athletic achievement? “I received an invite to nationals for rock climbing and placed third on the west coast in my division.”
Most Suspect Bio Line: Name: "Bekah M." Sure it is, Becca...
A Smile That Says...: “I only look nice and innocent."
Degree of Head Tilt, on a scale of 1 to 10: 0.55. Just enough tilt to make you question her motives.
12. Jessica
Occupation: Television Host.
Best Bio Line: “Kissing is my favorite food. Lol.”
Most Suspect Bio Line: Same as above. Kissing is not a food. Unless it’s a Lady and the Tramp situation. But even then, the spaghetti was the food, not the kiss.
A Smile That Says...: “I’m going treat your face like food when we kiss.”
Degree of Head Tilt, on a scale of 1 to 10: 0.09. A real straight shooter.
13. Jenny
Occupation: Graphic Designer
Best Bio Line: How much do you enjoy camping? “I love camping. Curling up in blankets in a tent after a day of fishing, hiking, and beer is one of my favorite things.” What was this question a follow-up to? Or did the producers just assume Jenny loved camping?
Most Suspect Bio Line: What are you most afraid of? “Picking the wrong person to marry.” Sorry Jenny, this show is for people who are unafraid of picking the wrong person to marry.
A Smile That Says...: “I’m ready for this?”
Degree of Head Tilt, on a scale of 1 to 10: 1.
14. Brittany T.
Occupation: Tech Recruiter.
Best Bio Line: Where do you meet guys? “I don't... jk. The past two I've met have been through dating apps and they're terrible human beings.” Heard dat.
Most Suspect Bio Line: Lunch with three people, alive or dead: “Beyonce, Hillary Clinton, Chris Evans.” Whatever would Chris Evans talk about at that lunch?
A Smile That Says...: Not much, really. Brittany T.'s smile has transcended snark.
Degree of Head Tilt, on a scale of 1 to 10: 1.
15. Maquel
Occupation: Photographer.
Best Bio Line: “I love thrill, I’m an adrenaline junkie”
Most Suspect Bio Line: The most outrageous thing she’s ever done is going on The Bachelor. Maquel, do better.
A Smile That Says...: “I’m not here to make friends.”
Degree of Head Tilt, on a scale of 1 to 10: 3. The shoulders really do all the tilting here.
16. Olivia
Occupation: Marketing Associate.
Best Bio Line: “Raspberry, because sometimes they are sweet and other times a bit tart : ).”
Most Suspect Bio Line: She starts out so strong with her three favorite movies as “Love and Basketball, Forrest Gump and Mean Girls” but then her favorite book is 50 Shades of Grey? That’s not a book.
A Smile That Says...: “I will take the competition aspect of this very seriously.”
Degree of Head Tilt, on a scale of 1 to 10: 2.
17. Brittane J.
Occupation: Marketing Manager.
Best Bio Line: Where do you see yourself in five years? “I would love to see myself married, open up my own wine and tapas bar, and working towards having a child.” Sounds dope.
Most Suspect Bio Line: Do you consider yourself a romantic? “I'm definitely a romantic. I am impressed by the smallest romantic gestures.” Brittane J. is going to be very susceptible to the manipulative romantic prowess of The Bachelor.
A Smile That Says...: “Do you see my eyebrows?”
Degree of Head Tilt, on a scale of 1 to 10: 0. Suspiciously straight head.
18. Krystal
Occupation: Fitness Coach.
Best Bio Line: “Sharks and spiders are NOT my jam.”
Most Suspect Bio Line: Her response to how good of a cook she is was simply “Thebomb.com” which we just looked up and it redirects to TheChive.Com...so...
A Smile That Says...: “I also have a very firm handshake.”
Degree of Head Tilt, on a scale of 1 to 10: 0.0. Dead on. We would expect nothing less than perfect posture from a fitness coach such as Krystal.
19. Tia
Occupation: Physical Therapist.
Best Bio Line: Best trip she’s ever been on was “Cancun to a random swingers resort. HA! It was actually fun.”
Most Suspect Bio Line: Favorite show is “Shark Tank. I don’t know why, it’s just intriguing.”
A Smile That Says...: “I thought I was signing up for Shark Tank.”
Degree of Head Tilt, on a scale of 1 to 10: 1.
20. Ali
Occupation: Personal Stylist.
Best Bio Line: “I’m a sucker for a good sense of humor!”
Most Suspect Bio Line: The most embarrassing thing she listens to is Nickelback. Which is suspiciously not that embarrassing.
A Smile That Says...: “I smoked a little pot before this and am doing my best not to look high.”
Degree of Head Tilt, on a scale of 1 to 10: A decidedly chill 3.
21.Nysha
Occupation: Orthopedic Nurse.
Best Bio Line: Where do you meet guys? “Online dating apps, which is why I’m still single.”
Most Suspect Bio Line: Fictional character she’d want to be is “Mulan. She pretended to be a man and went to war. How badass is that? Or Willy Wonka. The man had his own chocolate factory!” Which was...equally badass?
A Smile That Says...: “I’m way overqualified for this, but what the heck.”
Degree of Head Tilt, on a scale of 1 to 10: 4. It's a sneaky forward tilt.
22. Chelsea
Occupation: Real Estate Exec. Assistant
Best Bio Line: Do you prefer hot weather or cold weather and why? “My ideal weather would be mid-70's sunny, with a slight breeze. Life is less complicated when neutral. Happy medium.”
Most Suspect Bio Line: Do you prefer hot weather or cold weather and why? “My ideal weather would be mid-70's sunny, with a slight breeze. Life is less complicated when neutral. Happy medium.” This is suspect because it is the best bio line she has.
A Smile That Says...: “I’m a happy medium.”
Degree of Head Tilt, on a scale of 1 to 10: A happy medium.
23. Amber
Occupation: Business Owner.
Best Bio Line: If you could be a fictional character, who would you be, and why? “Ariel because she's a beautiful mermaid that can sing and gets to marry Prince Eric, what a stud.” Can’t argue with that.
Most Suspect Bio Line: What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? “Hold a HUGE python in Thailand. I hate snakes so this was crazy for me. I wanted to feel like Britney Spears at the VMAs, I did not.” Why would you ever want to feel like Britney Spears at the VMAs?
A Smile That Says...: “When is it time for Bachelor in Paradise?”
Degree of Head Tilt, on a scale of 1 to 10: 2. Little-to-no head tilt.
24. Jacqueline
Occupation: Research Coordinator (she’s getting her PhD).
Best Bio Line: If you won the lottery, what would you do with your winnings? “Buy a penthouse in Soho, build a wild animal conservation in Africa/India, have a pet cheetah.” Feel like having a pet cheetah is at odds with building a wild animal conservation but hey, we’re all full of contradictions.
Most Suspect Bio Line: Lunch with three people, alive or dead, and what would you order? “David Foster Wallace, Julius Caesar (with translator) and Thomas Jefferson. Antipasta and cocktails.” Wait, this chick reads books? She's going to be way to smart for Arie.
A Smile That Says...: “I dare you to put me in a spelling bee challenge, Harrison.”
Degree of Head Tilt, on a scale of 1 to 10: Going to go with 3, because those eyebrows are making my head tilt.
25. Bibiana
Occupation: Executive Assistant.
Best Bio Line: If you could be any animal, which one and why? “A free orca. I'd love to live in the ocean and they move around, plus they keep their fam tight.” Tight?
Most Suspect Bio Line: Would you consider yourself a lover of art? “Yes. Wish I could be art.” Lol. Same, though.
A Smile That Says...: “Oh, please. Call me Bibi.”
Degree of Head Tilt, on a scale of 1 to 10: 1.
26. Annaliese
Occupation: Event Designer. Which sounds like something an event planner would say if they were trying to make their job sound cooler.
Best Bio Line: If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? “Tracee Ellis Ross or Miley Cyrus or Chrissy Teigen because they are all so fierce and confident and are not afraid to be themselves and speak their minds.” Solid choices.
Most Suspect Bio Line: What are five things you can't live without? “I feel like the physical things are food: avocados, cheese, ice cream, but emotionally: love, laughter.” Weirdly incongruent set of things. Avocados are basically as important to Annaliese as love, or laughter.
A Smile That Says...: “Love me. Please?”
Degree of Head Tilt, on a scale of 1 to 10: 5. Seriously bonkers head tilt.
27. Valerie
Occupation: Server.
Best Bio Line: “There is so much that we don’t know about the deep sea...”
Most Suspect Bio Line: “I wish every day were Halloween.”
A Smile That Says...: “I know you from somewhere, don’t I?”
Degree of Head Tilt, on a scale of 1 to 10: Full 10. Though she might actually just be falling asleep this photo.
28. Caroline
Occupation: Realtor
Best Bio Line: If you could have lunch with three people, who would you choose? “Vince Vaughn, Betty White, and Ryan Reynolds. It would be a blast of a lunch and we'd pretend it was Betty's birthday at a Hibachi restaurant!” That’s actually not a half-bad idea, Caroline.
Most Suspect Bio Line: “I do have a plant, his name is Phil.”
A Smile That Says...: “I talk to my plant, his name is Phil.”
Degree of Head Tilt, on a scale of 1 to 10: 0.
29. Becca K.
Occupation: Publicist.
Best Bio Line: What are five things you can't live without? “Chapstick, facial lotion, bobby pins, popcorn, and stamps.” Oddly specific list; she knows what she wants. But also, stamps? Really?
Most Suspect Bio Line (tie): What are your top three all-time favorite movies? “Sister Act 2, Gladiator, Pitch Perfect.” What's the most embarrassing thing you listen to? “Country (when I'm feeling sad) or the Sister Act 2 soundtrack, which I don't think is embarrassing at all, but my friends disagree.” Nobody normal is this into Sister Act 2, 24 years after its release.
A Smile That Says...: “Have you seen Sister Act 2? Have you? Have you?”
Degree of Head Tilt, on a scale of 1 to 10: 0. Which, technically, is also a 10?
