You might have thought last night’s surfeit of Oscar accolades fully recognized the outstanding
contributions that filmmakers have made to our lives.
We respectfully disagree.
We think there were many performances, roles and strange neckwear that are still in need of a little recognition. The ones that actually occurred last night.
Ladies and gentlemen, we present the Oscars for the Oscars, a celebration of the achievements Hollywood achieved while celebrating its achievements.
And the awards go to...
Most Desperately Deployed Black Revolutionary Anthem: “Fight the Power”
Least Expressive Face for Someone Who’s Supposed to Be the Greatest Actor: Leo DiCaprio
Best Supporting Mom: Leo’s
People You’re Most Likely to Assume Worked on Mad Max: Fury Road, Purely Based on Physical Appearance: People Who Worked on Mad Max: Fury Road
Most Ill-Advised Attempt to Not Just Wear a Tie Like Everyone Else’s: Jared Leto
Most Glaring In Memoriam Omission: Abe Freaking Vigoda
Most Glaring Omission of an Openly Gay Person by an Openly Gay Oscar Winner: Sam Smith for Dustin Lance Black, Elton John, Melissa Etheridge, Linda Hunt and Stephen Sondheim
Special Achievement in Leading a Standing Ovation: Louis Gossett Jr.
Best Reminder That We’re All Old: Tie: Toy Story Celebrates Its 20th Anniversary; Dave Grohl Performs the In Memoriam Song
Best Skit Cameo That Made Us Want to See That Person Get Back into Acting and Stop Wasting Her Time with the Talk Show Gig: Whoopi Goldberg
Most Kevin Hart Jokes: Chris Rock
Most Predictable Actor Clip: Mark Ruffalo’s Big Blowup in Spotlight
Achievement in Not Reacting When His First Name Was Called but Not His Whole Name: Mark Ruffalo Losing to Mark Rylander for Best Supporting Actor
Best Name Drop: Joe Biden, “My friend, Lady Gaga.”
Most Louis C.K. Presenter: Louis C.K.
Least Discussed Topic: Filmmaking
Achievement in Outlasting the Orchestra: Alejandro González Iñárritu
Achievement in Poorly Timing the Important Part of Your Speech: Jenny Beavan, “I just want to say one quite serious thing, I’ve been thinking about this a lot...” [cue music]
Most Likely to Turn Down Role to Present “Short Film”: Kevin Hart
Presenter with Least Amount of Lines: Olivia Wilde
Biggest Show Stealer: Olivia Wilde’s Dress
Actor You Most Don’t Want to Be Seen Presenting Next to if You Want People to Notice You: Charlize Theron
Achievement in Waiting to Pull Out That Inevitable Trump Joke: Andy Serkis, 1:25 Minutes
Achievement in False Humility: Joe Biden, “I’m the least qualified here.”
Special Achievement in Merkin Jokes: Jared Leto
Special Appearance by a White Bow Tie: Kate Capshaw
Standout Achievement in Really Bad Accountant Jokes: Ming Zhu, Bao Ling and David Moskowitz
Best Mugger: Bryan Cranston
Most Promising Audition for Next Year’s Oscars: Olivia Munn
We respectfully disagree.
We think there were many performances, roles and strange neckwear that are still in need of a little recognition. The ones that actually occurred last night.
Ladies and gentlemen, we present the Oscars for the Oscars, a celebration of the achievements Hollywood achieved while celebrating its achievements.
And the awards go to...
Most Desperately Deployed Black Revolutionary Anthem: “Fight the Power”
Least Expressive Face for Someone Who’s Supposed to Be the Greatest Actor: Leo DiCaprio
Best Supporting Mom: Leo’s
People You’re Most Likely to Assume Worked on Mad Max: Fury Road, Purely Based on Physical Appearance: People Who Worked on Mad Max: Fury Road
Most Ill-Advised Attempt to Not Just Wear a Tie Like Everyone Else’s: Jared Leto
Most Glaring In Memoriam Omission: Abe Freaking Vigoda
Most Glaring Omission of an Openly Gay Person by an Openly Gay Oscar Winner: Sam Smith for Dustin Lance Black, Elton John, Melissa Etheridge, Linda Hunt and Stephen Sondheim
Special Achievement in Leading a Standing Ovation: Louis Gossett Jr.
Best Reminder That We’re All Old: Tie: Toy Story Celebrates Its 20th Anniversary; Dave Grohl Performs the In Memoriam Song
Best Skit Cameo That Made Us Want to See That Person Get Back into Acting and Stop Wasting Her Time with the Talk Show Gig: Whoopi Goldberg
Most Kevin Hart Jokes: Chris Rock
Most Predictable Actor Clip: Mark Ruffalo’s Big Blowup in Spotlight
Achievement in Not Reacting When His First Name Was Called but Not His Whole Name: Mark Ruffalo Losing to Mark Rylander for Best Supporting Actor
Best Name Drop: Joe Biden, “My friend, Lady Gaga.”
Most Louis C.K. Presenter: Louis C.K.
Least Discussed Topic: Filmmaking
Achievement in Outlasting the Orchestra: Alejandro González Iñárritu
Achievement in Poorly Timing the Important Part of Your Speech: Jenny Beavan, “I just want to say one quite serious thing, I’ve been thinking about this a lot...” [cue music]
Most Likely to Turn Down Role to Present “Short Film”: Kevin Hart
Presenter with Least Amount of Lines: Olivia Wilde
Biggest Show Stealer: Olivia Wilde’s Dress
Actor You Most Don’t Want to Be Seen Presenting Next to if You Want People to Notice You: Charlize Theron
Achievement in Waiting to Pull Out That Inevitable Trump Joke: Andy Serkis, 1:25 Minutes
Achievement in False Humility: Joe Biden, “I’m the least qualified here.”
Special Achievement in Merkin Jokes: Jared Leto
Special Appearance by a White Bow Tie: Kate Capshaw
Standout Achievement in Really Bad Accountant Jokes: Ming Zhu, Bao Ling and David Moskowitz
Best Mugger: Bryan Cranston
Most Promising Audition for Next Year’s Oscars: Olivia Munn
