Why, this whole shutdown thing has got you frustrated enough to secede and start your own government. But first, you need a proper seat of government. Yes, like a castle. Exactly what we were thinking. Something like Melrose Castle, perhaps—a little relic of Virginia-horse-country feudalism, now on the market after an unfortunate foreclosure. Here’s what you need to know...

Listing price: $1.5 million
Year it was completed: 1860
Year it was placed on the National Register of Historic Places: 1983
Bedrooms: 5
Bathrooms: 7
Overall square feet: 9,002
Fireplaces: 8
Trees with which to fuel those fireplaces: thousands
Height, in stories, of the octagonal tower: 3
Maidens you’ll lock in the tower: 0 (you really shouldn’t do that)
Acres on which the castle sits: 50
Swimming pools: 1
Moats: 0 (yet)
Year it was occupied as a hospital by Confederate forces: 1862
Civil War reenactments you could stage here: one per year (make it an annual party)
He-Man vs. Skeletor reenactments you could stage here: also about one per year