All work and no play makes the weekend a dull boy.
By the power of Perks, you’re getting nearly 100 bucks off a seven-speed bicycle that folds up in 10 seconds flat. Not to mention some Eric Ripert–approved Israeli caviar only available twice yearly, along with 20% off a Wired-magazine-approved wireless speaker. Let the “Dancing in September” playlists commence.
And now, a hypothetical scene from Jack’s hypothetical retirement:
FADE
IN.
Int. Staples
Center. Or Kodak Theatre. Or some yacht in Cannes.
Jack
Nicholson
[Dons shades. Arches eyebrow.
Flashes a devilish grin. And walks off into the sunset.]
FADE OUT.
The time-stamped highlights from Penélope Cruz’s directorial debut:
0:45: The moment you realize this is some kind of lingerie ad.
1:05: The moment you realize nobody at this party is shy.
2:52: Obligatory lingerie pool party with an outdoor shower and a fake giraffe.
4:00: Hey, it’s Javier Bardem.
4:10: And... apparently, it was all a dream.
Meet Dr. Michael Zuk. He’s a Canadian dentist. Who bought John Lennon’s molar for $30,000 at an auction a while back. Now, he’s planning to use it to reconstruct the singer’s DNA and clone him. Leave it to a Canadian dentist...
So a couple of scientists just figured out how to turn some used Portuguese coffee grounds into an 80-proof spirit. Our suggestion: use this stuff in your Irish coffee. And don’t ask too many questions.
Calvin Broadus Jr. Aka Snoop Dogg. Aka Snoop Lion. Aka... the guy who got a bunch of people to pay a C-note for nothing more than a golden, sparkling cartoon joint via his iPhone app. Which goes to show capitalism is alive and well. And ridiculous.
