We’re lovers. You know that. But every now and again, something comes across our desks that just seems... suspicious. Because of the tremendous material upside to all our lives if these claims pan out, we at times put ourselves in harm’s way to investigate. Albeit skeptically.

We call it: Skeptical Investigation. (Trademark pending.)

THE CLAIM
A new business, Icebox Cryotherapy, claims to cure aches, promote weight loss and increase libido by freezing you. Like a Bomb Pop. Or Ted Williams.

THE INVESTIGATION
To prepare, we had the most expendable member of our UD research team work out. And carbo-load. So they ran three miles. Uphill. While eating fettuccine Alfredo.

Two hours later, and we were at the lab. Why, yes, it’s next to a fish store in a strip mall.

Upon entering, our fearless volunteer was asked to sign a waiver. Then, get naked. Then, step into a body-sized metal chamber. Then (this part’s optional), reevaluate their life choices.

That’s when nitrogen gas filled the compartment.

Suddenly, the temperature plummeted to 30 degrees. Extremities started tingling. And for the next two and a half minutes, all that could be heard was the sound of a technician saying, “Keep rotating.” And teeth chattering.

THE VERDICT
Immediately upon release: a warm robe and a quick spin on a stationary bike. After that, a check of the vitals.

Soreness: replaced by coldness. Calories burned: about 400. Sex drive: curiously tremendous.

So, the secret to eternal life: no. But a potential eighth-date option: sure.