Nightlife

Threat Level Green

Your St. Patrick’s Day Survival Guide

2012. The Mayans predicted it. The year St. Patrick’s Day lands on an 80-degree Saturday. You can do one of two things: hide in your fully equipped safe room (the one with a 36-hour supply of Shamrock Shakes), or be prepared with this survival guide.

GREEN-EYED

Calm Above the Storm

Melee Level: Mayor Daley.
The Green Scene: This posh perch—among the most enviable views of the river—has a weapon against the green-beer-swilling mobs: $17 Irish coffees and Shamrocktinis (whiskey, crème de menthe, white Godiva). Still, a small price to pay to prevent your loved ones from suffering an injury in a tragic bead-grabbing incident.

A LOT OF GALWAY

The Pipes, the Pipes

Melee Level: Bono.
The Green Scene: Billy Lawless has charm as thick as his Irish accent. So when he, his wife and chef Dirk Flanigan do St. Patrick’s Day at their gastropub, expect exceptional corned beef and cabbage, colcannon and Irish salmon. But also expect cheap Smithwick’s, Guinness and Harp. Plus, the uncertainty factor: bagpipes.

KEGS AND EGGS

The River Is Not Always Greener

Melee Level: Notre Dame mascot.
The Green Scene: You’ll get a view of the river. Just not the part that will be dyed green. But after a $25 beer breakfast, $5 Bloodys and $5 whiskeys—amid wall-to-wall NCAA tourney action—you’ll probably be distracted anyhow. If not, a kilted Irish marching band will stomp through to entertain you.

MUGGING

A Leprechaun Pouring You Beer

Melee Level: Dennis Duffy.
The Green Scene: Joe the Leprechaun. Maybe you’ve heard of him, maybe not. Doesn’t matter. The important thing: someone’s captured him and making him pour you green beers all day. Also present: 7am brunch boxty, beer tubs, shot stations and men’s and women’s chugging competitions. Thank you, Title IX.

GREEN STREET

The Green Monster of Division Street

Melee Level: Shane MacGowan.
The Green Scene: Say you find yourself on Division Street at 7am tomorrow. It’s okay. No judgment. You’ll be in the protective bosom of a wandering army of bagpipers, drummers, unicyclists and, of course, leprechauns on stilts as Division Street bars begin a daylong DIY pub crawl. But still—try to walk.