Some things make the cut (VHS). Some things don’t (Beta). The world may never know the whole story as to why. Unless, of course, you’re talking about one of these delightfully idiotic products. Enjoy...
Ever since you first saw Wrath of Khan, you’ve been worried about two things: 1) Earwigs. 2) A future in which you’d be forced into a front-zip jumpsuit. While the fashion of tomorrow is still uncertain, thanks to these plastic slipcovers, your ear canals are now safe.
Sure, who doesn’t like spraying a carbonated fruit drink directly into their mouth, Reddi-wip style. Oh, that’s right. You. And everyone you know. So to the evil genius behind Turbo Tango: your devious plot to deplete the ozone via atomized fruit drink is foiled... for now.
To tell if your dog’s well, feel his nose. But first—now, this is important—make sure the nose is actually attached to the dog. It could be merely a sterling silver imprint of his nose that you had cast as your belt buckle. Because, yes, people do that now.
It’s cold in Chicago. It will inevitably get even colder. You will be forced to do various unspeakable acts to stay warm. But, frankly, using these heated panda gloves—warmed via your USB socket—will not be one of them. Just whatever you do: pay Peoples Gas.
Those love-tester machines you sometimes see at the back of pizza joints—total scam. Instead, let this app rate your performance. Strategically set an iPhone under your mattress, and it picks the appropriate lovemaking soundtrack based on intensity—ridding you of that bedside DJ and panel of judges forever.
