I'm Celebrating MLK Day By Dragging Paul Ryan For His Dumb MLK Tweet

Square-jawed miscreant Paul Ryan took a break from drinking milk out of a straw to tweet out a photo of himself staring at a bust of Martin Luther King Jr.

Today we remember a great man and his work. We read his sermons. We recall his sacrifices. We give back. In doing these things, we raise our gaze and renew the spirit in which we serve one another. Such is the calling of #MLKDay. pic.twitter.com/UpNNtZJ8n5
— Paul Ryan (@SpeakerRyan) January 15, 2018

Since he surely isn’t actually reflecting on Dr. King’s legacy, what else could be possibly be thinking? I’ve taken the liberty to flesh out a few ideas of what could be stirring up in that Wisconsin noggin of his.

Is it actually possible for a woman to achieve orgasm or is that, like I expect, a myth?
MLK Jr. is lucky he wasn’t born in a shithole country.
If all these cool teens are eating Tide Pods, should I eat Tide Pods? I will literally do anything to make people think I am cool.
Am I a human cowlick? Annoying and headed in the wrong direction?
I bet MLK Jr. would’ve loved the tax bill. Idk how or why, but I just have a feeling deep in where my soul should be that he would.
Where I am placing my hand, that is where a beard normally grows, no? I wonder what my life would’ve been like had I not tragically frozen before I hit puberty.
Were those flowers picked by an illegal?
I will pass a law this year banning women from basements because basements are where men do cool things like lift weights and have home offices.
Before I forget, Donald asked me to print out posters detailing the size of the March on Washington crowd and the crowd at his inauguration. I have to Photoshop them to make his look bigger.
Would Janna like it if I started calling her “mother” like how Pence calls his wife that? I think it is sweet.
What if we just condensed all of Black History Month into MLK Day? Feels redundant to have both. I am very comfortable in my casual racism.
Did I set the self timer on this photo for three seconds or 10 seconds? I’ll just stand like this for awhile so I get the pic. I wish I had a single friend to take this photo for me.