Today, there are lots of great ways to say you care.

Fortunately, there are even better ways to say you don’t care.

Note: the latter may involve disgusting, hissing insects.

Presenting Name a Roach, brought to you by the folks at the Bronx Zoo just in time to send a Valentine’s message to someone who really, truly deserves it.

This is pretty much what it sounds like: the Bronx Zoo has in its possession 58,000 Madagascar hissing roaches, and they’ll bestow upon one of them the name of your choice in exchange for a $10 donation (the best f*** yous are tax-deductible).

First, a note about the roaches: like something out of the Temple of Doom, these little reddish-brown buggers grow to a ghastly two to four inches, live in rotting logs and love to emit loud hissing sounds (so they’ve got a lot in common with your ex).

Your job: simply fill out a quick web form that includes the roach’s name (yes, honorifics like “Sen.” are perfectly appropriate) and a subject line and message for your designated recipient (this is a good time to compliment them on their own exoskeleton).

Later today, your target... er, Valentine... will receive a handsome email certificate, informing them that they have a namesake.

Visitations with the roach must be negotiated separately.